Today is Thursday May 7th, I just found out that Mothers Day is this Sunday. What better timing to do a birth story? Forgive my story telling, I already know I'm going to be all over the place.

*also, its going to get very personal & probably gross*

So the days following up to Olivia's birth are all kinda blurry at this point. 

Saturday January 18th ~ Period-like bleeding

Sunday January 19th ~ Lost my mucus plug at 4am

Monday January 20th ~ Stayed home from work to "monitor contractions"

Tuesday January 21st ~ Olivia is born

I was exhausted Tuesday morning, but decided I'd still go in to work since I called in the day before, and I was getting a few gifts from coworkers.

I was training a new girl at work, the girl that was going to be replacing me. I used to verify health insurance for a podiatrist. I remember feeling super uncomfortable, not more than usual-not that I noticed anyway. My lower back was being super annoying. I honestly just thought I had to poop. But no matter how many times I went to the restroom-nothing happened.

One of the medical assistants walked by and I asked her what it felt like to be in labor. She blatantly said "it feels like you have to poop". Well then. I still wasn't convinced. Olivia wasn't due for 2 more weeks. I was just being a sissy.

Hours and hours go by and I'm constantly rearranging myself and trying to train this new girl. I was so ready to go home and nap. 5 o'clock rolls around and I decided to take some boxes of baby wipes and pampers to the car, as soon as I opened the door to the car my water broke! I couldn't believe it, I honestly thought I pissed myself. I walked back inside...scratch that, I waddled back inside and went to the restroom, definitely wasn't piss. Or it didn't smell like it anyway. So I went back into the office and let everyone know I'd be back in a few weeks. Off I went. 

 I drove myself home, contractions getting stronger and stronger by the minute. Nothing I couldn't handle though. I called Jose while I was on my way and told him to get everything ready. He helped me out of the car and I decided the best idea would be to take a shower??? Why on earth did I think that was a good idea? I remember standing in the shower and pushing so much fluid out. -Which by the way, is like the worst thing you could do, unless you want to push your kid out-

I just wanted to rinse the bottom half of my body and put on comfy clothes. 

Next was the drive-45 whole minutes to a nearby town cos I refused to have my daughter in Tyler after I heard horrible reviews about Labor & Delivery here. That was probably the longest ride of my entire life. Luckily we had signed most of the forms the Saturday before, so registration was a breeze and we knew exactly where to go since we took a tour. 

I was put on a bed and my cervix was checked, I was 100% effaced and dilated to 5 or 6cm. I wasn't getting a break in between contractions so they gave me a shot to slow them down. They put it in the back of my arm, it stung so bad. The nurse had such a hard time finding a vein, I wasn't aware that they had to check your blood (does anyone know why?) before you get an epidural. 

Finally, it was time for the epidural. I don't even remember feeling the needle, or seeing it. But I remember the anesthesiologists hands were freezing and that bugged the shit out of me. 

My legs went numb, they felt warm, maybe that was me peeing. Either way, I was content. 

The next minutes/hours (I lost track at this point) lasted forever.

The doctor had such a concerning expression on his face,  I knew what he was going to say but I didn't want to hear it.

They grabbed this long rod/stick, it looked like a rod that you use to keep a tent up, and bent it-then inserted the curvy angle. I know you're probably cringing by now.

He wiggled it around a little bit-nothing. He said the babies heart rate was decreasing rapidly. We couldn't get her to "wake up" or be active. Remember how I told you I was pushing fluid out in the shower? Olivia was running out of oxygen and it was my fault. I was going to cause her to be a stillborn cos I did something incredibly stupid. I was panicking, I didn't say anything or tell anyone-but I was terrified.

The doctor left the room, I turned to my right and looked at Jose, with tears falling from my eyes, I asked "what if I have to have a C-section?" he tried reassuring me and told me it wouldn't happen, that everything would be okay. The doctor walked back in and his exact words were "We don't like how this looks, we want to do an emergency C-section"
At this point, I couldn't control my tears, hell, apparently I couldn't control anything. They wheeled my bed out of the room, I could barely make out anyone's face, the tears were coming so fast that I couldn't see. To be completely honest, I wasn't surprised. Nothing ever goes the way I plan. Why would giving birth be any different?

The anesthesiologist gave me another epidural. He pinched my skin, I could feel the pressure of his pinch without the pain. He told me they were about to start, I don't remember if I actually screamed or if I just wanted to scream for them to wait, Jose wasn't in the room. I couldn't do it without him. I mean, I could if I really had to, but I didn't want to. He walked in and sat beside me. They had this blue "curtain" up so I couldn't see anything. I felt the knife slicing my stomach open. I felt their hands reaching in and grabbing my baby and pulling her away from my body, it lifted me off the table and made a suction cup pop when they got her out. I told Jose to go with her, he walked over to the cart they were cleaning her on.

Although I could see Jose smiling across the room, I couldn't smile. I couldn't hear my baby crying. I hadn't even seen what she looked like. I started panicking and trying to turn my body to the left. In my mind, I thought a nap would make me feel better. I tried ripping my IV's out and turning, the surgeon kept yelling for me to stay still so he could stitch me up. I guess my anesthesiologist got tired of me acting crazy and said "I'm going to give you something to help" so I was like wow, how nice of him, its probably gonna calm me down. Well, it did, he gave me Demerol and it completely knocked me out.

This is actually the most difficult part for me; I woke up and saw my family members in a huddle around some lady. What were they doing over there? Where was my baby? In a little cart in the middle of the huddle, the nurse was teaching Jose how to swaddle my child.

I was still coming off the medicine so I was too loopy to figure out how to express myself. But I was hurt. I had somehow gotten left out of giving birth. The one thing that was going to be mine. Jose walked over with our girl swaddled in his arms.

She looked like a fat little Chinese man. In my loopy mind I kept thinking about how I didn't recognize her. I tried to focus my eyes on her, she was incredibly heavy, I could barely hold her up with all the cords I had wrapped around me. She was perfect.

Olivia Lucia was born at 9:39pm by emergency C-Section, weighing in at 7 lbs 6 oz. Perfectly healthy.

Thank you so much for reading this entire thing if you did, I know it was lengthy and I've been meaning to post it for a while now. I hope you guys have a great mothers day, be sure to show your moms tons of love, we put up with a lot. B) And for other moms reading this, I hope it was uninterrupted.
**To any first time moms-do not push the amniotic fluid out before you get to the hospital, it can cause serious complications for your child. 
To any mothers afraid of cesarean sections, though it may not be your first choice for a birth plan, you have to remember that we don't have many(if any) limitations when it comes to protecting our children, and sometimes a C-Section is the best route for mother and child.

What inspires me?

I get inspired from nearly everything around me. I think the most inspiration comes from other bloggers. One can post something as simple as a picture of a candle and tea. Those seem to go hand-in-hand. I currently have my eucalyptus spearmint candle form Bath & Body works burning. Its part of the aromatherapy collection. Stress relief to be exact.

I get decoration inspiration if someone posts a picture of their desk setup. Or their living room. I love to see how people organize their things. Then I like to imagine what I would change if those things belonged to me. It actually inspires me to clean my house and rearrange. Whether I do it or not is a different story though. ;)

I get style inspiration from Instagram mostly. I know that a lot of people like to shy away from whatever is "trendy", but why? Is it to be different? Or because you really don't like the trend? The things that I've seen become trendy lately have actually been pretty cute. But that's my own personal opinion.

I get writing inspiration from other bloggers like I said. After I read a post, it always makes me realize how passionate I was about writing and how bad I wanted to do it. I guess that's why I've picked this up.

I have this friend, Carrie,

beautiful from the inside out. She inspires me to go outdoors and experience nature. To always adventure and expose myself to as much as I can. Challenge myself. To have faith in something, trust, find something to believe in. Something to fight for. And of course, find the best in everyone.  Carrie has been my best friend for quite some time now. I love her so so much and I can actually see us being life long friends. She has the biggest heart in the entire universe. She travels the world and conquers her fears. Who wouldn't want a badass friend like that? She's seriously so amazing and I hope one day you get to meet her. I always get so sad when she tells me the country/continent she's going to next. But I'm also so happy for her cos I know its what she really wants and deserves. And she knows we'll be here waiting for her as soon as she gets back.

The next person that inspires me is actually Sherri DuPree-Bemis.

I don't know her as well as I'd like. I actually first heard of her from a girl I worked with at Barnes & Noble a few years ago. Who also happens to be her new sister in-law! Karsyn recently married into the DuPree family! I had always seen people I knew "like" her pictures on Instagram, but I had no idea who she was. Turns out she's this incredibly sweet and humble woman that lives a few blocks down from me. I met Sherri at a cafe called Tazza while Karsyn and I were catching up. After that I started listening to her band, Eisely, wowza. I spent my entire pregnancy learning every single lyric.(Don't quiz me, I have a bad memory) Even listened to them on our way home from the hospital! Anyways, Sherri inspires me cos lets just be honest, she may as well be Superwoman. She's living my dream life, with a few tweaks. She's so creative, if I could harness like half of her drawing talent I would be content. I've always loved art and took it for years in school. I was never any good, but that didn't stop me. She could dye her hair any color in the world and it would look amazing on her. She dresses her daughter insanely cute. And she still finds time to make it seem like her and her husband are in their "honeymoon stage". Who said it doesn't last forever? How does she do it all? Her house(what I've seen from pictures)looks like its from a magazine called "warm and cozy". And to top it all off, her personality is one of a kind. I really really admired her while I was pregnant, it was SO hard feeling good about how I looked while I was pregnant and Sherri just lit up. Granted, she absolutely loved being pregnant, and I was ready to pop my baby out haha. But she was just so positive and it just made me see/enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy. I was lost and felt alone and I messaged her and she was just so encouraging and ugh, she was the sweetest.

Last but not least, my family. Some of you may or may not know, I am married. I have been for two years now. My husband and I have a beautiful baby girl. These two probably inspire me the most. Olivia, you inspire me each and every day.

I'm always thinking about your future. How I want to raise you, how I want you to behave, how I want to manage things, how I want our relationship to be. You inspire me not to worry. To take life as it comes and not plan so far ahead. To just enjoy what's in front of me. Which we all know, I never do cos I worry about tomorrow. -sorry!- You inspire me to be the best mom I can be. I really am trying, baby love.

Jose, we've been through hell and back together.

I can't tell if you inspire me more or push me. ;) You make me want to be a better wife. Who knows how much longer I can say "I'm new to this" to stop an argument. You inspire me to be more positive, although I'm not sure that'll ever happen. You inspire me to be more patient. To be willing to learn. To stop being afraid. To be honest. To keep to myself. And above all, to remain myself. I'm easily influenced, and you know that more than anyone. And I just want to thank you for allowing me to experiment with different styles and mindsets, cos you know I've just been trying to find myself. I hope I'm just as accepting as you are. I love you.

Today is Friday, but that's okay, Happy Thanksgiving anyways! Hard to believe I'm already about to be 31 weeks, feels like yesterday we couldn't wait to figure out if we were having a boy or girl. For those of you that don't know, it's a girl! My little Olivia Lucia. I can't wait for her to get here. So so excited. I'm thankful for her and my amazing husband.